Today my husband started back up another school year at Harrison High School. I’m sure Jed is excited to get back into some sort of routine, but I don’t think he is ecstatic to actually teach. I think it’s just very boring to him and very repetitive. The thing I love about him going back to work is that I get to actually miss him during the day.
Yesterday we went to our monthly prenatal appointment. She used a Doppler to try to hear the baby’s heartbeat. It took a few minutes but it finally showed up for a second then disappeared. I think the baby just moves around a lot. I was pretty nervous since we didn’t hear it for long. We are scheduled to come back next week to try to hear it again. I hope the baby remains stubborn and they might do another ultrasound :-) The farther along I get, I feel that it is a boy. I know I said last week I think it’s a girl, but now I’m thinking that it must be stubborn like it’s Daddy. I think I honestly am afraid to have a girl. All of my life I have had male animals. Male kittens, a male dog, male frogs, male fish (lol), now another male kitten, two male dogs. I have always envisioned my first child being a boy, followed by another boy, and finally a girl. Whatever is in store for us, I will be excited and either way it will be a different route.
I was surprised when I found out I had only put on a few ounces at the doctor. I thought for sure I’d had put more on than that in two weeks! I’ve been too sick to eat anything really that is nice and hearty. Hopefully I can start adding on these pounds soon. I’m mostly excited to start feeling the baby kick. I was watching a v-log and some women reported feeling it at about 12-13 weeks! Of course they were little like me. I don’t know if it makes a different being smaller or not? I know you definitely show more quicker than bigger women. I literally have NO clothes to wear anymore :-/ My shirts are still okay, but I feel like I have no bottoms to wear! Definitely time for some shopping!
Hopefully while I go shopping next week or this weekend, I can find some adorable fall decorations. I LOVE fall! I’m so excited to gut out pumpkins again this year and make home made roasted pumpkin seeds, grab a pumpkin spice latte, holidays, Halloween, going to watch Finding Nemo 3D! LOL. Not having to wear skimpy skirts because it’s so hot outside!Ahh.. it will sadly be here and over before we know it. Crap! I’ve got to get on baby moon planning.
So much to do in so little time. S L O W D O W N W O R L D!
Today I am 9 weeks and 5 days. (I’m measuring a day ahead) Where is the time going? Oh yeah- I’ve been sleeping it away. Well it is another Saturday night and I am up again at midnight. I didn’t think I would have time to blog this weekend since I’ve been sleeping all the time! I’ve had a very upset tummy lately (constipation, diarrhea, indigestion, you name it). I guess these are all normal though, just very annoying.
This past week nothing has really changed. My appetite has still gone down hill. I’ve went from eating about 6 times a day to maybe 2-3. I’ve been craving just about anything apple, pizza, pasta (again-I know, I thought the craving would disappear), Koolaid or anything that is highly saturated with sugar, and my go to snack of all time; cereal. The other night I was really craving beef and broccoli when I saw a Rice Cafe delivery car in our neighborhood while walking the dogs with Jed. I instantly thought of beef and broccoli and craved it badly. We went to the store and got a little Tai Pe or whatever they are little carton thing of Chinese food. When we got home and Jed started making mine, the smell made me gag and I just wondered what I was thinking when I wanted that. I gave it a few minutes and knew I needed to eat something, so I picked on the rice and broccoli and just ate that.
We were on a hunt for Dum Dum suckers. These little sugary sticks have helped me out when a wave of nausea hits me. I just plop one in and by the time I have ate it, the nausea sustains away. While we were at Walmart, we went to grab a bag and what do you know, they are out. Last time CVS was out,too! We drove over to Walgreens and phew they had like two bags left. While we walked towards the front to check out, low and behold I found the motherload bag of them! It was massive and had all of the flavors I love. I do miss the butter popcorn flavor (most people think it’s gross…oh well) and I think they stopped making it. Now that I think about it, I have also been craving those Jelly Belly Beans in the buttered popcorn flavor. Again i apologize for little random sentences I throw in, but I want to look back on all of my posts in a few years and compare all of my pregnancies and what I was craving, how I was feeling, etc.
I have been really debating on how far apart I want my children to be. I am set on right now having this baby and then when he or she is about 3, we will try again (it took us 8 months this round). So at the earliest, this child will be almost 4 when the new one is born. I always hear so many Moms having their children like back to back within two years, but I just don’t know if I could do it. I am so exhausted lately and I’ve been neglecting a lot of house work lately. In fact, there are about three baskets of laundry that are calling my name as I type. Anyway, I feel that I would not be able to give this child as much attention they need if I was pregnant when they were like a year old or even two years old. With being a stay at home, I think it’d be even harder. On the other hand, my oldest sister and I are 4 years apart and have been on the verge of enemies for as long as I can remember. Growing up I honestly hated my sister. The way she behaved I always remember saying to myself to never do any of those things. I guess that was one perk of not being the first born; to see all of the mistakes they make and learn to not do them! lol. I guess I will see how it is to be a mother and handle it daily first before making the decision of waiting 3 years or not.
On another note- my oldest sister and I are no longer on speaking terms. Growing up as I just noted, I despised her. She was just awful. She would sneak out of the house, she would drink, etc. Anywho, I set up a cookout at my mom’s the other day. I was just thinking one day that I don’t want to only have family dinners when it is a holiday. I wanted to make this more of a monthly thing. Having a baby changes everything. I didn’t want the only time my baby saw their aunts and uncles and grandparents to be on a holiday. Back to the story, my sister came over to Jed & I’s house the other day and brought over her two little annoying dogs (I hate small dogs). I knew she went in to a doctor to get some testing done because she thinks she has PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and I simply asked how the testing went. She said she didn’t get the results back yet. I asked her why she was caught up in getting pregnant when she was with someone who didn’t want kids with her anyways. Whether you are the most fertile person in the world or totally sterile, when you are with someone who simply does EVERYTHING to not get pregnant, it doesn’t matter what infertility problem you have. She just shrugged and said nothing of it. Fast forward two days later, and right as we were done eating dinner, my sister said she was going to stay the night at a friends’ house. I recall her saying while her boyfriend was in town and that this friend wanted her to stay a few months back, that she was too good and too old to do sleepovers. So being the very forward person I am, I asked her why she suddenly wanted to do “sleepovers”. She snaps back very defensively and says ” It’s different when you sleep alone” (this coming from the person who bought two dogs for “protection so she could sleep”) I just say whatever that’s weird and move on. Suddenly out of nowhere, she starts yelling that I supposedly said this and that and that she didn’t deserve kids..blah blah blah. She’s crazy. I was just like stunned because I do not act like this and couldn’t believe I was in front of someone who does. I was like seriously what are you talking about! I said you shouldn’t get so caught up on being fertile because you are with someone who does not want kids anyway. She just goes on and makes crap up and threatens to hit me, which is like, who threatens to hit a pregnant woman anyways? I said to her that PCOS does not affect you living, it’s not cancer, it’s only a huge deal when you are trying to conceive, which technically you are not. She then refers to PCOS as cancer and said “it’s the same thing pretty much” Of course I get very defensive since I myself have had melanoma skin cancer and about 12 scars to prove it, and my father passed away about 2 years ago with stage 4 lung cancer that we are paying for a professional medical expert about $10,000 out of trust fund to help us win my father justice from medical malpractice (a whole other ballgame), my littlest sister had her father pass away last year after battling hodgkins lymphoma about 3 to 4 times and passed away from what was deemed a heart attack from medication (still a mystery) , my husband’s father has passed away way before I had met him like 9 years ago from cancer. We all know someone with cancer and if you actually know or knew someone who battled this deadly incurable thing, you would know that NOTHING compares to cancer.I of course burst into tears since I am pregnant and hormonal and after everything I just mentioned I believe had every right to do so. At this point I had stopped listening to her. The drama was just too much and I don’t do drama. I didn’t need this stress from a person like this. A person who has been physically abused so many times and I’ve gotten her help and ways out several times, yet she continually denies the help in hopes “it will get better”. A person who gave up her child 4 years ago because she was too selfish and wanted to be with a man who didn’t want kids (the same man she thinks she will get pregnant with now). I believe it’s God’s way of punishing her. It was never her right to kill the baby at almost 4 months along. To know that she killed my niece or nephew is something I have and never will forgive her for. My grandma (who is a riot) snuck in a “maybe you shouldn’t have had that abortion” to Jed during this whole fight. I’m sick of the way she disrespects her elders. I guess I’ve always been a different individual but I would never treat my grandparents, parents, or anyone this way. I would not go on a cussing rampage in front of my younger siblings. Well she then suddenly throws in that she buys us stuff because she doesn’t think we can afford it even though Jed makes more money than her boyfriend who owns a restaurant..hmm… and she said who knows if we will be good parents or bad parents. She stormed out after I told her we didn’t need her charity to be thrown back in our faces and that no one else who has bought the baby stuff has acted this way. Jed and my mom went out to talk to her because she is very crazy and who knows what she planned to do. Jed came back in and said she was fine and acted like she understood our part of the story. My mom told her that Nick will never have kids with her and she did need to get that part out of her head and if she wanted kids, whether she has PCOS or not, she would need to be with someone else. I find it VERY selfish to have a child and bring them into the world KNOWING that you are with a very abusive person anyways. I didn’t think anything of it and just continued on and talked to my grandma and my mom’s husband as he got home from work. He does a lot of pipelining for Marathon Gas and is always gone. It was nice to see him and Jed was cracking jokes with him. Usually no one bonds with him since he is a such a hard ass. lol!
Well I woke up the next day to two very rude messages from people saying that I claimed they are bad parents etc. Very shitty of someone especially your own sister to go behind your back and do this when she pretended to be okay the day before. This person knows the way I’ve felt, so why they waited until my sister told her is beyond me. I do not believe a parent should go out EVERY weekend and drink because they “need a break”. I know plenty of moms who’s “break” consists of taking a hot shower, or going to the grocery store, or just getting a coffee with a friend. Not going out for all hours of the night to get drunk and show up drunk in front of your kids. What kind of an example is this? I confronted my sister on why she suddenly was being two-faced and told her she needed to apologize for this, but for the night before if she wished to continue on in my pregnancy. Some people do not like how very confrontational I am and how much I speak my mind. To this day, I still do not car. That is just me. Well, the point on this was not to bash my sister, but simply to explain to everyone who wanted to know why I am no longer talking to my sister. She is not allowed around me or my children until she apologizes. We told her she can no longer do the baby shower, and to be honest, I’m kind of glad. She likes to go over the top and outdo everyone and didn’t want help from no one. Now my sisters-in-law are going to be hosting the shower at my mother-in-law’s house. I’m excited that I forgot it will be a few weeks before Christmas! It will be nice for her to get her house up and decorated and I’m sure she hasn’t gotten a chance to have any showers at her house out of all 11 grandbabies.
Well it is 3:00 am and I still feel sick after forcing myself to eat a bowl of cereal. I constantly feel like throwing up. I don’t know if it’s because I don’t have my sea bands or what. I usually can’t sleep well on the weekends when Jed is gone anyway. Today we went to pick up pet supplies. These two dogs are very expensive. It was about $200 today alone for dog food, getting Serato a new dog bowl dish since Axwell broke his, we got Serato this anxiety jacket to see if this would help his jumping and whining, we needed new cat litter, and cat food, and cat toys since Axwell has ate all of them. Hmm, well as soon as I give Arty the toys, Axwell grabs one of the balls and puts in his mouth. Thankfully Jed got this out in time. We threw the other toys upstairs. Axwell goes up with us while Jed changes the cat litter and Axwell grabs another cat ball and crunches down on it fast because he knows he shouldn’t have it and breaks it and Jed gets this out just in time, however, I think he swallowed the ball inside that jingled. Whoops. I just ask Jed how am I going to do this with a baby? How am I going to have time to set the baby down and run over to Axwell before he devours the toys or something else? It’s not as simple as just “put things up”. That doesn’t work in our household. He will always find a way. Axwell’s biggest perk to me is how great and gentle he is with kids. He is a big sweetie when he is the only dog in the house. As for Serato; he is just too high energy. He doesn’t listen half the time, he is terrible with kids and jumps all the time and scares them away, he chews up everything and can’t be left alone. I don’t know what to do with the dogs. We don’t want to put a $8,000 fence in our back yard when we don’t plan on staying for more than 3 years if we don’t sell by December. I can’t do two dogs in the snow while being 8 months pregnant and chasing them down. Not to mention we can’t afford to keep replacing everything that gets ate or torn up. I think we’ve reached the max on having our builder replace trim for free,too. I know everyone says “wait until the baby is here and they will be fine”. It’s not how they will act towards the baby I’m really worried about, it’s more of how to handle two dogs, one that will be the biggest family member, and one that rough houses too much and destroys the house while taking care of a baby. Not to mention Serato barks all day long. How will this play out during nap time? How will those two running a muck in the house during tummy time go? If we could just move to a house with a fenced yard and either a basement or something for the dogs, I think I’ll be okay.
The biggest change to my body this far is my boobs! Every day I have Jed inspect to make sure I’m not crazy and that they are actually huge! None of my bras really fit, but I’ve held off until this week to my maternity shopping. The stores around here suck, I think I may got to Keystone later this week with my mom. Anyways- my boobs are huge. I’m very surprised since I’m a little girl anyways. My bump is getting big. I didn’t expect to show at only 9 weeks. This week it’s protruding more and more. Now I just can’t wait for this nausea to totally ween off. I think this post is long enough.
Jed starts school Monday (technically-teacher work day-blah) and it’s our next monthly appointment! I weighed about 115 before I actually conceived. The month I did conceive I started eating more because I thought I wasn’t eating enough to get pregnant, and weighed about 120. By the time I got pregnant, I weighed about 123, and when I was at the doctor, I weighed 125. I just got to put on about a pound to two pounds here on out! My OB said I will need to put on only about 25-30 pounds total. I’m exhausted, and ready to lay down. I hope drinking all this apple juice will make the urge to vomit go away :-(
For months now we have been trying to think of a name. Mostly it is the girl name we can not quite come up with. I used to have the name Lillian Jane Wilkinson picked out the first time I found out we were pregnant. The boy name was going to be Aryton James (Air-uh-tin) Wilkinson. Very unique and something you won’t see twelve of in their class. When we miscarried I vowed not to use those names. I had associated them already to that baby and didn’t want to bring back the memories of our miscarriage by using them for another baby. I had forever loved the name Lillian and wanted to call her Lilly.
Jed and I are very much into names that are outside of the box. I do not like cookie cutter names you see on the top 100 baby name list. I used to love Sophia last year and now it is the number 1 girl name for 2012. Glad I don’t like it anymore anyways I suppose. I also don’t like strange names that are ultra hard to pronounce or will be associated to be made fun of. I don’t want my child to deal with that.
Jed and I went to meet up with a couple at Barnes & Noble the other day so he could get a list of songs they like for their upcoming wedding (he is their DJ) and I grabbed a hot chocolate and baby name book and plopped down on one of the comfy chairs near the cook books. (Why are they always placed here?) I opened this book not expecting to find anything. I found one that kind of clicked to me. Arabelle. Okay that is very cute. I plan to incorporate “Belle” into our daughter’s name if it is a girl after my mother. However, it just seemed blah. It was very cute, just not for our child. I liked this book because it also showed the popularity of the name from like 1900 to now. The “in” baby names are actually those that were very popular in the olden ages and are coming back. I tried to find a name that fit this category. I am BIG on having a name you can call them a nick-name out of. (I.E. Lillian would have been Lilly). I flipped through A, B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L, just kept saying to myself “no,no, no, too common, no, too weird, no” and finally got to ‘M’. I saw this name and I remembered it from a movie that I loved when I was about 5 years old. I loved this character and this name. I immediately thought of the perfect nick-name as well. All I can say is the nick name is Tilly :) I fell in love with it and was so excited to tell Jed. I scanned through the boy names but we already have our heart set on a specific name. We actually made it up. I loved the name Keegan and Jed loved Kai. We mixed the two and got…..a great name. Hahah. Jed came over and kissed me and I went to put the book back up and grabbed my stuff. I told him the name and I was sure he would hate it. He didn’t like it at first as much as another name I had mentioned (Azaria and Arya) My pregnant self burst into tears when he didn’t love it as much as myself. He then told me he did like it. I just do not want a name that he actually secretly hated forever. I think he came around to love it when he saw I seriously did like the name.
We decided to not tell ANYONE the names. I’m sick of people stealing our amazing original ideas, and they sure as hell are not stealing our baby names! lol. (very adult like..I know) I also did not want more criticism and everyone always seems to have a story about a name. “Well my aunt was named this and blah blah blah.” or like “I knew a girl in school with that name and she died by a cat attack” or something crazy. Plus since we have to wait so long to find out, so should everyone else!
I was very bummed to find out we only get one more ultrasound from here on out! We will be finding out right at Halloween! Exciting! I just can not wait to take Baby M or Baby K to football games. I know Jed is really looking forward to doing stuff with our kids that his Dad did with him and I could not be more proud to give him this opportunity by blessing him with a beautiful baby. Come on 20 weeks! 9 down.. 11 to go!
I’ve made it another week. The stress and thought of miscarrying is still in the back of my mind. Each passing day however I have tended to forget about what could happen and try to stay focused on what is happening to us. I am 8 weeks and 2 days pregnant today (Friday August 4th,2012). My husband Jed and I had our first prenatal appointment Tuesday. I had to give 9 viles of blood, pee in a cup, pap smear, etc etc and finally got my uterus measured. 8 weeks ! One day ahead.
We had our very first ultrasound today. An ultrasound where I was allowed to look at the baby for once and actually here their heartbeat. This one was of course a vaginal ultrasound. My mom was running late but we needed to get started on the ultrasound. With everyone having babies, I’m sure the tech was busy. She was extremely nice. I got undressed waist down and put on the old white sheet until she came back in. A rush of nervousness ran over me as I said a short silent prayer. I knew God was with us that day as he has been with us this whole journey. A flashback to the second vaginal ultrasound I had crept back to me. I kept thinking of how there was no baby at all that day. I gulped and squeezed Jed’s hand as she inserted the probe. Right away I could see a clear definition of our Boo Bug. As she kept the wand right next to him..or her.. you could see their little heart flutter very fast. Tears rolled down my face because I knew we had made it. He/she kept moving around in circles and finally just layed on its head so that we couldn’t get any great pictures! The tech got one while they were on it’s side right before he/she started squirming. It was so precious. The heart beat was 174 bpm! Hmm.. is it a little gymnast? ;) I measured one day ahead of schedule again. Perfect.
There is always the debate on if you are a Mother or Father before the baby is born, I strongly believe that you indeed are. Especially the mother. You are fending for this baby and protecting them from the moment you know you are pregnant. You alter your life style, what you surround yourself with, what you eat, drink, wear, even the way you drive. From that moment you see the heartbeat and then hear it, all you want to do is protect them forever.
This being said, I saw the other day someone post on Facebook “Abortions! FTW” I just thought to myself, wow! What a sad and miserable life you lead.To openly admit you think having one abortion a year is “okay” and that you don’t care to have a child now and there is plenty of time to have them. Well, God has a plan for each baby he places in a woman’s womb. Those innocent children whose mothers do not mind having sex and getting pregnant without protection of course do not want to step up to the plate. Then they argue that they would never do adoption because “if they would carry it for 9 months, they would just keep it”. From the day I saw a positive result, I felt like a mom. I can’t ever imagine having the guts and being so heartless to just end an innocent’s life because you want to continue to party. Anyways this is mostly just a rant ending in nothing. But everyone knows my opinion on abortion and I believe it should be illegal. With Obama in office and being pro-choice, that will not happen.
Well here I am. Almost 9 weeks. It’s crazy. Each week I just say I will start worrying about looking up stuff then but the weeks keep passing and I’ve done no real research! Yikes. With my ever growing tummy, I find that I enjoy being pregnant a lot more than I thought. After throwing up one too many times. I found something that has seriously been a LIFESAVER! Nothing has helped me more than these little guys. Not even ginger ale! SEA BANDS! I recommend them to any pregnant woman with extreme nausea!
I can not believe I have a mini bump! Gah. So cute.
I’m really behind on posts, but here are the rest of the pictures from this week. Sorry for the super random mumbly post. :)
Full baby, but on it’s side.
Kind of sideways again!
I can’t believe I’m back! I did go through a spell of sappy posts, but here I am and the next 7 months will be an emotional roller coaster! Oh yeah maybe I should start at square one.
July 5th, 2012 the day finally came. I missed my period and I prayed that morning before peeing on a stick that THIS would be our month. It had been 8 months, 8 LONG months of doing ovulation test, charting my basal body temperature, waiting, being disappointed, anxious, etc. 8 months since we first said our goodbyes to our little one that left us for Heaven back in December. I took the test out of the box and ripped it open quickly as I really had to go. I peed on the stick and capped it and layed it flat on the counter next to me. It had a flash of a pink vertical line for a second as the dye went through it but disappeared. I thought “oh no, not again” So I flush the toilet get up and look back down to throw it away and there it was! Bright as could be and hard to miss! WE FINALLY DID IT! We were actually pregnant!
I had thought this through for months now on how I was going to tell Jed. Well, when you’ve been trying for 8 months, let’s face it, the only thing I could think of was to go wake him up. I go into our bedroom and just said his name. He sleepily woke up and I said “Jed, we’re pregnant!!” Very simple and the look on his face was unforgettable. He was so excited and just got up and hugged me forever and we cried. It was unrealistic and explained why the night before I was so sick that we had to leave the Firework show early. I scheduled a blood test and was so nervous for the results! The first hcg count was 1867! We were so happy to hear some great news! We got another test a two days later and it was 4300! More than doubled. I was so shocked! I’ve been put on 3 a day vaginal progesterone suppositories that I have to lay down for an hour each time and they are so messy! I am on these due to my history.I definitely had an appetite that week! I craved everything from scrambled eggs, to BACON (lots of bacon) to frozen yogurt, to steak, to mac’ n cheese, to anything with cheese really. I was so excited about this whole new pregnancy, but since we lost one a few months ago in April at only 4.5 weeks, I kept my excitement to a minimal.Jed and I did go out and buy new parenting books, and Jed has been reading his way more than me…whoops!
Week 5! Phew! We’re clear! This far at least. It’s hard to think this way after having it happen twice. But for some reason, this one felt different. This one felt healthy and like he/she was going to be okay. He/she was going to be the one that we had waited all this time for. He/she is the one we have longed for and cried and cried when we got negative tests. He/she is the one I have stayed up for researching any and all tips to get pregnant. He/she is the best thing to happen to us. My appetite is still high! I’m craving mostly snacks now as I need to eat about every hour. LOL. I eat mostly chips, cheese, frozen yogurt, and anything MEAT! I’m totally exhausted just as any new mom is. I’m bloated, constipated, and surprisingly, not nauseous at all! I’m one of those lucky moms with no morning sickness! woo-hoo! I was even in such a great mood I thought I could withstand a trip to Babies R Us an hour and half away. That was a mistake.
Week 6! What have I done? Jinxed myself! Ugh this is awful. Morning sickness is here, and it’s a bitch. I can’t sleep even though I’m dead tired. I can’t get comfortable without hogging the entire bed (poor Jed). My legs hurt, and I’m always nauseous. Yes, I am definitely pregnant. My appetite is slowly disappearing. I find myself craving nothing really. I’m getting anxious about knowing every little thing and what will be best for our Boo Bug. There is so much to get and do reviews on! Baby bottles, breast pumps, cribs, car seats, strollers, nursery decor, pacifiers, what all to teach your baby it’s first year,etc. Meanwhile; we are selling our house and looking for something smaller-ish to save money for ourselves and the baby.
Week 7! Work is a drag! They hired like 2 new people who essentially took over my job while I was gone for a week. I do not know how much longer I can take working somewhere where I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing. My “job” has changed about 7 times. Not to mention feeling totally awful the entire day or being so exhausted when you arrive that you almost fall asleep while on the phone with a doctor or nurse trying to get them to fax over an order so we can start their patients’ care up. Ugh. Do not know how much longer this will last. My appetite is GONE! I was doing so well :( Now I can’t really eat anything. I can’t sleep at all. The only cure for me thus far is popsicles and laying in bed. Even that is leaving me with some trips to the bathroom lately. Dry heaving is not fun, so I’ve been sure to drink LOTS of water lately. Sugary items are about all I can stomach. CAR RIDES-ugh! I can’t hardly go across town without the urge to vomit.
At the end of the day though, I am glad I have these symptoms. It means our little bug is growing more and more each day and is healthy as can be. I’m already starting to show a little bump! What! I know…crazy. My normal pre-mom jeans are already snug and I’m doing the old rubber band trick. I feel like I’m going to be in maternity a lot sooner than expected. It’s all worth it! We have our first prenatal visit next Tuesday. They said they can not do my ultrasound then which doesn’t make sense since I had a vaginal one done at 6 weeks with my first… but I said whatever and we scheduled the FIRST ultrasound for Friday! I know Jed is really excited! Without him, I don’t know how I would survive this pregnancy, well I guess literally. hah. Anything I crave he goes and gets me. He is the best.
Well I am literally dry heaving every other minute so this post is hard to write, but Jed is dj’ing so I thought it was the perfect time to catch up on the pregnancy news. MANY more are to come! Life is
"He who observes the wind will not sow, And he who regards the clouds will not reap." Ecclesiastes 11:4
It’s crazy how much more nicer people are when the weather is beautiful. While being on campus the other day with my husband, I noticed how much happier everyone looked and how there was a smile upon each person’s face. I noticed how much easier it was for people to enjoy their day. I couldn’t help but just sit there wondering why I wasn’t as happy as those people. I kept wondering if this month we would get a BFP and how happy we would be! As many of you know, my husband and I got pregnant back in October and had a miscarriage in December. We have since been TTC and it seems like it’s been forever since I’ve even had a miscarriage.
Sometimes I do wonder angrily why we lost our baby, and I see so many children in terrible homes, or girls that are literally in their early teens, maybe just starting high school having babies. I don’t get it! Yet here we are, healthy as can be, and it just seems like we keep getting BFN’s! It is very hard to see other women who got pregnant around the same exact time as us and have went on to have healthy pregnancies.
Jed and I are just ready to take the next step and I’ve learned that patience really is a virtue. I know that they say the best things in life come to those who wait and I’m just learning that you can’t get everything you want/need whenever you want/need it. I know when the time is right we will be blessed with our little BFP and bundle of joy 9 months later. It is hard to not obsess over wondering each passing day leading up to good ol’ AF! Again, this is where the waiting game plays along.I’ve tried to just not get my hopes up and just assume that it’s not going to happen, than to get excited and think to myself “this is the month” when I would just be let down whereas thinking pessimistically, I would be happily surprised.
Any who, we will see where that goes hopefully soon enough!
Back to my story about Spring… Supposedly suicide rates are much higher in colder climates and weather. I don’t really think that people are happier in a particular season or temperature, rather I do think that it all comes back to your own state of mind. You are happy with what you surround yourself with and the experiences that make YOU happy. It is said that people in Denmark are some of the happiest people in the world! (always cold and rainy there) People who are constantly around warm perfect sunny weather eventually get sick of it. I’ve always wondered where those who live in L.A. vacation to? Colorado? LOL. I guess you need to go through all of the crappy winter weather and other seasons to be able to appreciate Spring!
One quote I’ve always lived by ” Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning to dance in the rain.”
This quote merely is rhetorical in itself. What I’ve gotten out of this is that you should not just be always looking for the next best thing, or always wanting or wishing for something else. Life is not just about “what’s next”, rather than “what is going on now”. As my life unfolds itself and I have become the woman my father always wanted me to be (a young bride with a beautiful house and lots of pets [getting there] and a great family) I have realized how much I have to be thankful for! I am thankful each day for my husband as many people go years , even lifetimes not ever meeting “the one” they can call their true love. I am thankful each day for my health as there are many people out there right now dying and battling cancer that truly do not deserve to be in that position for they have never done anything wrong. I am thankful each day that I still have my mother in my life. Some women grow up without mothers and I can’t imagine not having a mother to relate to and talk to daily and have one that has helped molded me into my own individualist self and given me traits to carry on to my own daughters someday.I am thankful that I have a personality where I can walk into a room and be able to talk and socialize with just about anyone. I am a social butterfly.
This quote really relates to my life right now. I had always been the type of person to just wake up, finish my day, and think to myself “okay, what is next? Where am I going? What am I doing?” etc. Now I just live my life being content with whatever is thrown at me. I do not sit and wonder anymore what is “next”. I know whatever is meant to happen for me will find its way. I can not try to alter my “plan” that God has written out for me by rushing my life away. I have really sat back and just waited for the storm to pass (literally there was just a storm here in IN) and enjoyed each moment until I’ve been presented with the next “step” in my life.
So here my husband and I await for whatever the next thing in our life will be. We are ever so hoping for a baby very SOON, as we have two piggy dogs now so animals are out of the question for a while! However, I will not judge the plans God has for us. I will be content and just wait until the moment is right for us. Every one has a story to be written, I believe ours is just still in the editing process ;)
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress; he sent out his word and healed them, and delivered them from destruction. Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wonderful works to humankind.
Most of us never talk about our hardships that we endure either alone, with friends, family, or your spouse. It’s much easier to go on and on about how great your life is and talk solely on your praises and successes alone. After all, no one wants to appear weak, vulnerable, or as if their life isn’t as “great” as yours.
I know personally I have gone through a lot in life. I had skin cancer when I was 5 years old, and had to go to a Dermatologist every 6 months until I was 18. In elementary school, I had to wear hats inside during the day because my doctors were afraid that the lights there were too bright and could cause damage to my skin over a period of time of being exposed to it. There were lots of times other students would say remarks about how I got “treated special” because I never had to swim in P.E. because the chlorine levels were too high and how I always got to do errands for my p.e. teacher while they had gym class outside when the weather was nice. Lots of kids I knew got suspended/sent home because they would call me up and say mean stuff about my cancer that I would record and give to my principle the next day. I eventually just accepted the fact that I was different than a lot of kids and some of them just didn’t ever understand it. I had several surgeries because the cancer would keep coming back on my back and now have large scars because of it. I had become accustomed to needles at the age of 11. This could be why I seriously hate needles now! I remember they told me if I kept getting this amount of rapidly cancerous melanoma cells, I would be getting therapy at the age of 16. Very scary! Somehow, I outgrew it. I still had to use spf 75-100 all summer long, but it was a relief going to the doctor and finding out I didn’t have a cancerous cell on me that they were suspicious of. Even though it hurt getting my back tissue scraped off for testing, it was worth it!
I remember the phone call that after extensive blood work, they diagnosed my father with stage 4 lung cancer. My heart dropped, I remember being in my old apartment with my ex-boyfriend and just thinking that I needed to give up my relationship and career to see that my father would have someone take care of him for the rest of his days and be comfortable. I was ready to pack it all up and move back to Indiana for him. It was hard to live with my father at first since I had not lived with him after all since I was 5 years old. The daily doctor visits, the chemotherapy, the making sure he got the right medication, making sure he got enough to eat, scheduling his appointments, making sure all of his laundry was done, making sure my laundry was done, having the best foods on the table while he was undergoing this battle for his life, being prepared for the worst at all times, having him stop breathing several times right in front of me, having the Doctor literally say it’s a matter of days for him and there is “at this point, nothing you can do” make you so angry and tearful at the same time, waking up one day and having your father say to you that he wants to go to the hospital, that “he’s ready”, and fighting back the tears as you call all members of your family to follow you to Indianapolis and say your goodbyes, watching your father take his last breath, but knowing that he was gone hours ago but was holding on until your siblings were asleep, going home alone the first night knowing your father was taken to a better place, but that he should have been one of those old men on tv that live to be a 105!
Finding out that there is a set trial now in Supreme Court and praying that with all the evidence and proof and anatomical findings in the autopsy report along with an expert examiner there will be enough to win the case and justice for your father is a complete relief. CLK <3 never forgotten <3
Experiencing almost the same thing with your stepfather months later was, as you can imagine, very tragic. It brought several terrible memories back of my father and it was sad to say that he really was like another Dad to me growing up. He and my mother had split when i was about 14. He had been battling Hodgkin’s Lymphoma for several years on and off again. He had won the battle 3 times, then it came back full force, then he fought it off again, and mysteriously had died. His death is still an underlying question of how it happened.I had become accustomed to losing all that was close to me at this point in my life.
Finding out Jed and I were pregnant was so crazy and life changing! It was probably the happiest day of our lives! Only a week after we were engaged, we found out were 6 weeks pregnant with a little one! We were very excited to say the least. Only being able to enjoy being pregnant for a week was devastating. I remember waking up in the pile of blood and just immediately thinking it was a miscarriage. Being told that it was a “threatened miscarriage” was for some reason a relief. But days later, not feeling pregnant and also, having the bleeding increase tremendously, I knew something wasn’t right. Going to the e.r. that day (12/6/11), I was already prepared that our baby had left my body and its innocent soul would be added to Heaven. It was very hard to tell the father of your child that you needed to go to the e.r. (again) After being told that yes, I did have a miscarriage sometime between December 4th, and that day, just broke my heart, literally. A piece of me was gone and I would not get to ever see the face of that baby or hear its heart beat until another life. No one ever prepares you for how upset you really get the days and weeks following. You envy anyone with kids and babies or those expecting. Even though you hadn’t planned this one, you still felt so close to it after just a few weeks. As the days came and go, Jed and I finally accepted that it was in God’s will to just let us experience what kind of a joy was in store for us later. We never will understand why we got pregnant, just to lose the baby, but no one ever understands why God does certain things. But, he has a plan for everyone and that was just not our time. It was better to have a miscarriage at 7 1/2 weeks, than at 27 1/2 weeks the way I looked at it.R.I.P Baby Wilkinson <3
Jed & I are now back into the place where we are willing to try again. Even though it is scary, and you can’t help but think if it will happen again, chances of another miscarriage are slim (so I’ve read/heard from my doctor). No one will know if and when we are pregnant for a while until we feel comfortable enough with how far along we are. It was just too hard to get excited and have your families be excited then to tell EVERYONE you were no longer expecting. We will have our bundle of joy though! Losing a child I believe has helped us grow stronger as a couple and understand that to enjoy the greatest blessings in life, you have to understand what it feels like to endure the hardest and worst moments in life.
Not everything in life is always a hardship. I have been so BLESSED to find my husband! I can not believe that just under a year ago (!) I found my one and only, my true love, my soulmate, my husband! It was truly love at first sight and an instant connection. I had always pictured that the man I would forever call mine would appear in my life just as I had given up and wasn’t expecting to find someone again. At least, this is the way I had thought God planned it. Sure enough, just as I was getting settled into my new job, and was enjoying the single life out in the middle of nowhere at my cozy little house, and enjoying my two kittens, and fish, God knew I was in need of someone who I could count on for life. Someone who I could trust whether they were hundreds of miles away around a thousand girls, or someone that I could place my whole heart in their hands and know they wouldn’t break it. Jed really is such a great man. He treats me the way a man should treat a woman. He knows when I’ve had a bad day or a stressful one as I know the same for him. He knows when I’m about to breakdown or when I’m about to break out with laughter and can’t hide a smile. BONUS!!! He even remembers my birthday, and our anniversary. He has provided such a beautiful home for us and our future family. He works hard so that I’m not having to as well. He wants in life what I want in life. We enjoy almost all of the same things. He is someone that my family loves and has always wanted for me. He is the man I can tell anything to and not be ashamed or afraid of what he’s going to say in response. He truly gets me, and I get him. He knows that I love coffee and I notice he gives up stuff just so I can have one. On Fridays, he works 12-13 hours. He actually likes my cooking (I am great cook after all,lol). He is just everything I could ever ask for in a husband, and more. Here I am now, with a beautiful ring on my finger that I get to look at everyday, two adorable dogs that I get to play and cuddle with everyday, a beautiful house to cook, clean, and sleep in daily, and I never have to worry about Jed not being unloyal or unfaithful. He’s truly my guardian angel in a handsome body.
So, not everything is a hardship, or a lifelong battle, but don’t be to leery that there won’t be a hardship you’re going to be faced with when your life seems too perfect. But like me, you just got to be prepared for the worst so that when something great comes along, you are fully taken by surprise and showered with happiness, or when something terrible happens to you or around you, you can be a little more ready to face it.
Okay, I’m definitely a perfectionist. I hate messy things! I’m trying to be less of a pessimist- so let’s say very much dislike! I can’t stand walking into a messy room and seeing a paw print covered kitchen floor, a dog hair infested couch, an unorganized room, a dirty dog, unprepared meals, a room full of boxes, etc.This comes from years of being an extreme perfectionist. Never allowing things to get “messy” or “dusty” or “dirty”. It literally stresses me out!
Being married now, with two dogs in a large house, it is hard to keep it spotless everyday. Nonetheless, trying to keep wood floors swept with a shedding dog, and keeping it paw-print-less when it is continuously muddy out I’ve discovered is pointless and a waste of time. I do not like to waste my time on things that I feel have an easier way of being done. Maintaining these floors every day not only take a lot of wet Swiffer pads ($$$$), but also about an hour and a half to have them look great again. I’ve come to the conclusion that I will sweep them every other day, and will Swiffer them just once a week, maybe twice.
The couch and our bed- I can not stand dog hair. It gets in my mouth, all over our clothes, on the counter tops, in the food, drinks, etc. I’ve come to the conclusion that, okay, we have a dog, well- two now, there is going to be DOG HAIR, so instead of scolding the dogs every time for being in the kitchen while cooking, or on the couch during family time because I don’t want dog hair on my clothes, or to not let him sleep with us because I don’t want dog hair on the perfected bed, is ridiculous. Jed and I now sweep the couch (lol) with our vacuum extension to get the hair off, and same for the bed.
I’ve learned that not everything needs to be perfect! It’s okay to let stuff just sit there and be messy (for a little while at least) and just relax and enjoy your life instead of constantly just being worried about what your house looks like. It’s a lot coming from me who is and has always been a clean freak! I think it’s nice to sometimes just a take a break and enjoy your life with the ones you love and focus on the big things because later on down the road, you’re going to realize that those things you thought were the big ones are miniscule to the small ones that turn out to be the big important things in your life such as spending as much quality time with your friends and family, and not ever regretting not doing something because you’re too focused on something else. Taking my own advice has allowed me to be less stressed out in trade for a few paw prints and dog hair :)